The other day while I was in the shower doing some of my best pondering, I started thinking about fear. Specifically as it relates to riding. And I started thinking about riding Al, because I am certainly the least confident on him versus the others. Mostly because you just never know how things will go. The other two are pretty predictable and easier to direct where you want the ride to go.
I often say I'm a chicken and I'm not a brave rider. But the more I thought about it, I don't think fear is the right word. I'm not scared of Al. I don't think he'd ever hurt me intentionally. I think I lack confidence in our partnership, but that's different than being afraid. Or lack of confidence that I'll react the way that Al needs me to act. But I'm not afraid to act. And then I started wondering if that's true for a lot of amateurs. Are we really afraid up there? I mean yeah sometimes we're all scared a little shitless. But I mean overall, when we're in the saddle are we really scared? Or just unsure? Have enough trainers accused of us being afraid and so we just embrace that?
I've decided to reframe the way I think about my emotions in the saddle. It's fine to feel unsure or insecure. It's even fine to feel afraid. But I think it's important to know the difference. How you approach each of those feelings is very different. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but working through fear for me is a lot different than working through uncertainty. If I'm genuinely afraid of something, I might need to break it down into little pieces and accomplish one part at a time. It might take awhile. But if I'm just unsure? I just need to go do the thing. Make the mistakes. Figure it out. Once the desired outcome is achieved and repeatable the uncertainty diminishes.
So anyway... that was kind of a lot of rambling, but my confession is that I working on my feelings. Does this make sense to anyone but me? Cause I think maybe it's a lot less profound that it seemed when I was in the shower having a ponder.
I kind of run into this with opie's changes. We spent a couple years of him launching me into the stratosphere whenever I even thought about asking for them, and now they're quiet, but I find myself really having to consciously ride forward into them before asking for the aid and my trainer is always like, I understand why you're scared to do it after all the crazy shit he's pulled. But I'm not SCARED. I'm not afraid of of them, I just don't want to deal with the crazy if it reappears because it's a whole thing. And I think those two things are completely different.
ReplyDeleteSo yes I get what you're saying 😂
Yes, I get it too. Just like horses, we anticipate The Uncomfortable Thing™. That could be a misunderstanding/miscommunication with our horse, getting launched into the rafters, or narrowly missing getting a broken nose when your beast goes full llama. In my mind, I view it more as anxiety, rather than fear. A slim distinction, maybe, but I experience the tense anticipation of something I don't want to deal with sometimes in the saddle. Maybe it will happen... Maybe it won't... But I get anxious about the possibility.
DeleteMaybe we could start a new club: AAA - Anxious Adult Amateurs 😂
Carly, YES! I'm not scared I can't handle I just have no interest in opening that can of worms most days...
DeleteLeah, agree, sometimes it's anxiety, but I don't know that's always the feeling either. It's more just like, ugh, do we have to though? I made myself a sweatshirt awhile back that said #ammyangst on it. It's one of my favorites! Haha!
Dude I’ve spend legit ages examining my various anxieties and neuroses and fears over the years bc they are many and have the potential to really derail me. With that said tho, like you it’s never really been about “fear of riding,” or being unable to act in the moment. Anticipation and uncertainty are my biggest bugaboos, so being able to make some “event” feel routine normal and predictable really help me keep my mind in a healthy space
ReplyDeleteYes, exactly! Anticipation and uncertainty I think are the words I was looking for. And also agree, just getting the thing to feel routine makes such a huge difference.
DeleteThis makes sense to me, although it also made me realize it's been a LONG time since I've felt fear in the saddle, and I used to feel it a lot. I didn't ride a lot as a kid, so I had already developed a healthy fear of risk-taking when I was an adult and a lot of my first mounts were either active racehorses or OTTBs which did things that scared the shit out of me. When I rode my first pony, it felt so RIGHT and I felt so fearless, they could do the same things a big horse did and it was just funny to me instead of scary. It's not that I won't ride a big horse occasionally, but I love the fearless person I am on a pony and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
ReplyDeleteYes! This is all so true. I don't feel the same emotions on Shiny EVER that I feel on Al. Although to be fair, it's rare I feel them on Eros either and he's a good sized boy. Shiny makes me feel really capable and I think that's one of the things I appreciate most about her. Ponies really are the best.
DeleteWhat a great post. Carmen definitely scared me at times and that made me far more anxious. But mostly I’m afraid of being incompetent. Of not knowing what to do in the moment or doing the wrong thing.
ReplyDeleteYes! So much that. Which I'm not sure is really fear, but more lack of confidence.
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