The other day while I was in the shower doing some of my best pondering, I started thinking about fear. Specifically as it relates to riding. And I started thinking about riding Al, because I am certainly the least confident on him versus the others. Mostly because you just never know how things will go. The other two are pretty predictable and easier to direct where you want the ride to go.
I often say I'm a chicken and I'm not a brave rider. But the more I thought about it, I don't think fear is the right word. I'm not scared of Al. I don't think he'd ever hurt me intentionally. I think I lack confidence in our partnership, but that's different than being afraid. Or lack of confidence that I'll react the way that Al needs me to act. But I'm not afraid to act. And then I started wondering if that's true for a lot of amateurs. Are we really afraid up there? I mean yeah sometimes we're all scared a little shitless. But I mean overall, when we're in the saddle are we really scared? Or just unsure? Have enough trainers accused of us being afraid and so we just embrace that?
I've decided to reframe the way I think about my emotions in the saddle. It's fine to feel unsure or insecure. It's even fine to feel afraid. But I think it's important to know the difference. How you approach each of those feelings is very different. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but working through fear for me is a lot different than working through uncertainty. If I'm genuinely afraid of something, I might need to break it down into little pieces and accomplish one part at a time. It might take awhile. But if I'm just unsure? I just need to go do the thing. Make the mistakes. Figure it out. Once the desired outcome is achieved and repeatable the uncertainty diminishes.
So anyway... that was kind of a lot of rambling, but my confession is that I working on my feelings. Does this make sense to anyone but me? Cause I think maybe it's a lot less profound that it seemed when I was in the shower having a ponder.
