I kind of feel like I'm having deja vu. Romey's leaving this weekend feels so much like when I said goodbye to Ducky a few years ago. They are a lot alike in many ways. They are both really reactive. They both have very strong opinions. Both enjoy the taste of human flesh. And somehow, they both took a tiny, itty bitty, little piece of my cold black heart.
I eventually ran into the same issues with Romey as I had with Ducky. Refusal to work being one of the most frustrating. They both had some soundness stuff too. So for each case, it was time for them to move on when they did. But both times, I was really surprised at how sad I felt when they pulled out of the driveway.
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| SMILE! |
As I was hiding in the barn having a bit of a moment after Romey left, I realized I'd felt these emotions before. Not just when Ducky left, but I've felt it with humans too. Being in a wrong horse relationship isn't much different than being in the wrong human relationship. And here's where it gets interesting to me...
Awhile back, I dated a wonderful man for about a year. I think I knew it wasn't working much earlier on in our relationship, but I kept it going trying to make it work. He was a really sweet guy. He thought the world of me. But I didn't think the world of him. Beyond his being sweet and wonderful to me, there was a side from his past that was less so. History of drug abuse, children he didn't see, that sort of thing. While I know people change, there were signs that those things were still there. I put a lot of work into that relationship. Tried to get him to see where things went wrong in his past. Why he should reach out to the kids. Etc etc. But my advice went unheard and eventually we had to part ways.
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| "I want more of dis please. No workies." |
As I sat with my coffee after saying goodbye to Romey, I realized my relationship with him was much the same as my ex. Romey could be sweet (mostly when he was sedated...) and he cared about me (probably because I supplied the food) but our relationship was not a healthy one. We wanted different things. Romey wanted to live in a field and eat grass and not do work. I wanted him to be a show hunter. Very different wants, clearly!
It helped me process my feelings a little better, to see that comparison. I couldn't figure out why I was so sad when Romey left until I saw those similarities. I gave Romey almost two years of my time, energy, and even some love. It's hard to see that pull out of the driveway the last time, whether it's a human or an equine. It might even be harder when it's a horse.
For all the good and the bad, Romes gets to keep his little, itty-bitty, tiny piece of my heart. I'll keep him there forever. The rest of him arrived safe and sound in KY. He's going to have some time off and then see if he'd like a job as a light trail horse.
So after all that, today's confession is that I seemingly can't separate my human and horse relationships. None of them easy, are but all of them have been worth it.
