Truthful Tuesday

I'm sure you can imagine I have lots of feelings to confess today... But before I do, I shall lighten the mood with a different confession...
So Friday, after I got a couple hours of sleep and caught up on a few things for work, I headed out to the barn. I was planning to ride Shiny and walk Pammon before heading over to ride Eros. But once I got out there and fed lunch, I just was having a hard time with the emptiness. Not quite ready to face it. So I decided to head over to Eros first. I remembered he needed his turnout boots and bells replaced, so I opened the drawer where the extra bell boots live to grab a pair. And I found a big ol' mouse nest. Promptly shut that door and decided to donate Rio's relatively new turnout bell boots to Eros instead. I debated whether it was too soon, but decided they are just bell boots. Not like a halter or something personal. And I wasn't interested in dealing with adolescent mice at that moment. My confession? I haven't opened that drawer up since. Those *(#*)%_@ mice are still living blissfully in my bell boot stash. I get the ones with the fuzzy tops so probably I'll have to toss a bunch of them based on what I saw of their "nest".  Mice are jerks.

And now I guess we should talk about the real stuff. I'm struggling a little with what happened Thursday night/ Friday morning. Part of me wonders if I should have waited longer. Tried something else. If it was the right time. With Jampy, everything was so black and white. His kidneys were broken beyond repair, and he was in a lot of pain. But with Rio, he was never THAT painful seeming. I saw discomfort. I saw a horse that wanted nothing but to sleep. But I didn't see a horse in excruciating pain. Which, obviously isn't something you WANT to see. But it does help solidify your decision.
I did, however, look him in the eye at one point and told him he needed to tell me when it was time. And the reaction I got told me he was ready. He looked back at me, rested his nose on me, and closed his eyes. Just for a moment. And then he looked away.
I think I'd be struggling a bit less if our vet had been with us. He's known Rio for a long time. Has seen him through other struggles. The vet who helped us had never met him. Nor me. She was wonderful. And I don't feel she steered me wrong, or did anything less than my vet would have done. I just think I'd feel less uncertain if I had a second opinion from someone who knew us.

On a different note, I was really starting to think there was something wrong with me, because I've managed to talk about Rio an awful lot and haven't cried in public at all. Which is a lot better than how I handled losing Jampy. And that seemed weird because Rio and I were so close and I really thought I'd be a big useless puddle for the rest of my life a long while. But then last night when I threw a load of laundry in the washing machine and his sheet was in there, I lost it appropriately. So at least I know my cold little heart is still functioning.

So I guess that's where I'm at. I miss my boy. But am trying to stay REALLY busy so I keep my shit together.