Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Truthful Tuesday

I'm sure you can imagine I have lots of feelings to confess today... But before I do, I shall lighten the mood with a different confession...
So Friday, after I got a couple hours of sleep and caught up on a few things for work, I headed out to the barn. I was planning to ride Shiny and walk Pammon before heading over to ride Eros. But once I got out there and fed lunch, I just was having a hard time with the emptiness. Not quite ready to face it. So I decided to head over to Eros first. I remembered he needed his turnout boots and bells replaced, so I opened the drawer where the extra bell boots live to grab a pair. And I found a big ol' mouse nest. Promptly shut that door and decided to donate Rio's relatively new turnout bell boots to Eros instead. I debated whether it was too soon, but decided they are just bell boots. Not like a halter or something personal. And I wasn't interested in dealing with adolescent mice at that moment. My confession? I haven't opened that drawer up since. Those *(#*)%_@ mice are still living blissfully in my bell boot stash. I get the ones with the fuzzy tops so probably I'll have to toss a bunch of them based on what I saw of their "nest".  Mice are jerks.

And now I guess we should talk about the real stuff. I'm struggling a little with what happened Thursday night/ Friday morning. Part of me wonders if I should have waited longer. Tried something else. If it was the right time. With Jampy, everything was so black and white. His kidneys were broken beyond repair, and he was in a lot of pain. But with Rio, he was never THAT painful seeming. I saw discomfort. I saw a horse that wanted nothing but to sleep. But I didn't see a horse in excruciating pain. Which, obviously isn't something you WANT to see. But it does help solidify your decision.
I did, however, look him in the eye at one point and told him he needed to tell me when it was time. And the reaction I got told me he was ready. He looked back at me, rested his nose on me, and closed his eyes. Just for a moment. And then he looked away.
I think I'd be struggling a bit less if our vet had been with us. He's known Rio for a long time. Has seen him through other struggles. The vet who helped us had never met him. Nor me. She was wonderful. And I don't feel she steered me wrong, or did anything less than my vet would have done. I just think I'd feel less uncertain if I had a second opinion from someone who knew us.
On a different note, I was really starting to think there was something wrong with me, because I've managed to talk about Rio an awful lot and haven't cried in public at all. Which is a lot better than how I handled losing Jampy. And that seemed weird because Rio and I were so close and I really thought I'd be a big useless puddle for the rest of my life a long while. But then last night when I threw a load of laundry in the washing machine and his sheet was in there, I lost it appropriately. So at least I know my cold little heart is still functioning.

So I guess that's where I'm at. I miss my boy. But am trying to stay REALLY busy so I keep my shit together. 

20 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're dealing with those doubts. It's a really hard place to be in. ((hugs))

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    1. Human nature I think. At least I know I'm human!

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  2. Human beings have an amazing ability to compartmentalize. Sending you all the virtual hugs. I wish there was something I could say to ease your doubt, just do your best not to let it eat away at you. You gave him an amazing life and he in turn gave you his trust and love which means you did the right thing by him.

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  3. you are amazing. The fact you are still functioning and being you and making jokes about baby mice (Speaking of which we found a FULL GROWN MOUSE IN OUR BATHTUB THIS AM EEWWWWWWWWWWWWW GO AWAY)...just makes me in awe of you. I know there will be down times and better times. But I think Rio told you it was time to go. If he had rebounded a bit more maybe it wasn't time but who knows what else was going on in him. I prefer he go this way and while it sucks at least he wasnt in too much pain and just went to sleep. You are a great person and a wonderful horse/dog mom! We are here for you if you need to scream but if you don't we are still here for you! :) I think your regular vet would confirm you did the correct thing!! hugs to you! Go hug a horse or a pug or both :)

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    1. Thank you <3 Most of me knows it was right. There's just that little part that isn't sure.

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  4. My experience with Stampede after the initial many tears has been that random things set me off. I find things of his everywhere and for several weeks something would get me every day. Plus I find that other sad things (like selling Maestro - he leaves on a 7 day trial Saturday) cause many more tears than what really makes sense. Plus I'm super paranoid about Phoenix and his health. Emotions are just the weirdest so I'm right there with you.
    I'm certain you made the right choice for Rio. You trusted your gut and your gut is always right. You are missing him and that is causing you to doubt yourself. All we can do is just keep pushing on and trust we did what was right. Hugs to you! Bug me any time if you want to be sad together. ;)

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    1. Thank you <3
      And I'm SO WITH YOU on the paranoia! Pammon and Shiny have had about enough of me I think...

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  5. You made the best decision you could for him at the time. You can't second guess that. Rio left this world knowing that he was loved and cared for and that is the best gift we can give our animals.

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  6. i'm so sorry <3 i hate uncertainty, and not being sure about the answer when it comes to our beloved animals. in a way tho, we're lucky that they don't think about time (yesterday, tomorrow) in the same way we do - they just live in the moment. and you made a loving choice for Rio that gave him dignity and spared him from a situation that could have gotten much worse very quickly (like if it were a strangulating lipoma or something). here's hoping the feelings of emptiness begin healing soon, or at least can be filled by something a little better than mice nests <3 <3

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  7. Better a day too soon than a day too late. I have held on to that thought when I have second guessed myself too.

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    1. Thank you for this. These are incredibly wise words.

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  8. Hugs Stacie. I won't sit here and echo everyone else, even though they're all right. I'll just say grief is a strange emotion that hits you in the strangest of places and ways. Don't be hard on yourself.

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  9. Sending you so much love and hugs during this time <3
    Having gone through some significant loss in the last two years, I will say that grief is a very weird thing. Like Holly said, it hits each person differently and each person reacts differently to that. I echo the sentiments to be kind to yourself and more importantly, ALLOW yourself to feel the emotions.

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    1. I feel like it hits differently each day! Trying to take it as it comes.
      Thank you <3

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  10. The doubt is inevitable but I didn't think at all when reading your post that you should have waited. Our animals do tell us- they really do. I had a year in which I lost my horse, my dog and my mom in that order. By the time Mom passed I was just numb and had no reactions left to give. I wondered what was wrong with me. then one day I just fell apart and I realized that I was just trying to keep going. Losing Jampy is impacting your loss of Rio.

    Like everyone said, be kind to yourself. You cannot direct grief.

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    1. I'm so sorry you weathered that storm. Ugh. The universe is pretty cruel sometimes. And that's exactly how I was feeling. Like maybe there's just no more feelings left.

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