Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Truthful Tuesday

So I had a lesson the other day with Eros, and I realized how much I've changed as a person since I was a kid. I like to think I've always been a good student. I do my best to listen and at least attempt to do what I'm being told. (I might be a good student, but I'm not always the most capable rider... Hence the ammy status!) I really don't like to be yelled at. And I don't like to be insulted. As a kid I would swallow that stuff and just keep trying. Kids get yelled at after all... Right?
But now that I'm a full fledged adult (technically... so says the law of ages being frighteningly close to 40 and all), I really have no patience for someone talking down to me and screaming at me. By all means, should I do something dangerous, PLEASE raise your voice. Get my attention. But if I pull my horse up AFTER completing a task, while simultaneously stating "I'm sorry, I can't hear you" I have no patience for you raising your voice at me and telling me I'm wasting time (especially after said yeller is the one who was 20 minutes late starting the lesson). I think it's disrespectful.





Here's what went down. Eros was weirdly quiet during the lesson. He's always quiet to flat, but normally jumping he drags me around like a Thelwell pony. I know he needs body work. I asked about a month ago and nothing's been set up. And I think that foot is starting to bother him a little. He's not lame, but he feels weak to me, and just not quite himself. I only jump about 2'6" to 2'9" in the lessons so I'm not worried he's doing too much and is why I didn't cancel the lesson. But now that I've jumped him, I'm much more confident he needs to see the vet and the body worker too. Anyway I digress....

So I had done a full course which went ok. But trainer wanted me to repeat this one three stride line on the diagonal, bending six strides to a little oxer. So I head to the three and get four. He just wasn't wanting to get to the base of the fences, and was landing really shallow. And then not responding to my leg to move up to get out. So we did the line, knowing we'd likely do it again, but it was difficult to hear what the trainer was saying because it was a windy day. I landed off the oxer and kept my canter aiming toward the diagonal to change directions. And suddenly she's like change direction over the gray gate. But I was already through the second turn and basically like three strides away from passing the gray gate. So I pulled up (not at the jump, we were passed it) and said I'm sorry it's really hard to hear you, and I was already passed the jump when you said to jump it. And she screams at me that I have to stop pulling up, and I waste so much time stopping like that.
And here is where I realized that I've changed as a person. The old me would have just kept going and let it slide. But not the grown up me. I said to her, "I having trouble hearing you. And if you want me to jump something you need to tell me before I've turned the corner to it not after." While I couldn't hear exactly what she was saying before telling me to jump that fence, I know she hadn't mentioned it until I was past the turn to it. It's not that I'm proud of myself for talking back to her, but I am glad I stood up for myself. I hear her yelling at the kids all the time and treating them like they're stupid when she doesn't always give them a fair chance to do something. And much of the time she hasn't really taught them what she's asking. I know my talking back probably just pissed her off and won't change her behavior toward anyone else, but hopefully it made her think for at least a second about how she treats people. We're paying clients. We're playing a part in keeping her business going. It's not right to be disrespectful.
What are your thoughts? Do you think I'm being overly sensitive about this? Do you respond well to being yelled at? (Some people honestly do!)

20 comments:

  1. I absolutely hate being yelled at. Another pet peeve of mine is trainers that nag. Some people like it, but for me...tell me to do something, give me a chance to do it, correct it if it's not quite there, and maybe let's talk about it or break it down a bit more, but don't tell me every 5 seconds for the entire lesson to do XYZ, ffs, I'm TRYING and if I'm not getting it, I might need a better explanation. Of course, now that I am an adult, I know I can ask if I don't quite understand something LOL

    Good for you for sticking up for yourself (AND in doing so, advocating for your horse), especially in a situation that could have gotten sticky for you and the horse had you been like, oh, ok, let me jump this when I'm already past it.

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    1. Yes exactly! I'm there to learn and get help, so do that please.

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  2. i'm sorry, that's really frustrating. and, uh, yea, totally agreed that it's inappropriate and disrespectful. my relationship with my trainers is very different, bc i'm not technically "in a program" with any of them, and none of them run my horse's barn or manage his care. so that sorta changes the nature of our interactions - often making it easier to ensure clearer expectations about communication etc.

    from what i read above, and from what you shared about your horse search experiences, it doesn't seem like you and this trainer are always on the same page, and possibly that this trainer doesn't really see much issue with that. which.... could continue to be a source of frustration and microaggressions unless it gets addressed :(

    hopefully your communication in this lesson made an impression! might be worth having a follow up chat too, just to really reaffirm your expectations and boundaries.

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    1. My regular trainer situation is more like what you have. Since I care for them totally and she is there solely for the training part. Also I have a lot more respect for her than I do the other one. So part of the problem could totally be me!
      And yes you're right, we're not a great fit, but it's the situation I'm in, so trying to make the best of it.
      She did at the end attempt to clarify herself and I, politely, showed her why the issue arose. So hopefully it's in the past. But it felt good to write about it and get it off my back!

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  3. That sounds really frustrating, especially when we all pay good money for lessons. I think it is totally appropriate to speak up in a situation like this. I think yelling can stick with military boot camps and the like - I can handle being yelled at for something like that (been there done that) but in a professional environment it is not respectful or appropriate, imho.

    I think Emma's suggestion of a follow up chat is a good one...

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    1. I agree with you! She actually went to military high school, so I think she honestly thinks it's an ok way to train. I just don't happen to agree. Lol!

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  4. I hate being yelled at so unless I'm doing something unsafe/dangerous, don't yell at me. Riding should be fun and yelling isn't so... I also don't improve when being yelled at. I also don't do passive aggressive... But good for you. I'm getting a lot better at speaking up and making changes when things don't work for me. Not always, but more of the time (work is where I need to be better about boundaries). Anyway, rambling way of saying, I'm glad you stood up for yourself! More of us should do that more often!

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    1. I think there's a time and a place. It's harder at work since they pay us to be there. But in a situation where I'm doing the paying, a little respect should be expected.

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  5. I was taught by being yelled at. I don't tolerate it anymore. I realized I was done with that when I was in a lesson (I was in my mid thirties) and the coach was aking me to do something. I thought I was but it wasn't working and she kept yelling at me. finally I stopped. I was really flustered. I said "I hear what you're saying and I honestly am trying to do it but it clearly isn't working and your yelling is not helping. Can we try something different?"

    there was a collective intake of breath from the observers but the instructor stopped, thought and found a different way to explain it to me and we carried on.

    Teaching is a skill all by itself. Knowing how to do something does not make a teacher.

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    1. Yes! That was very tactful of you. And I agree. Teaching is a skill for sure. I think instructors can get frustrated when they don't get the result they want, but it's actually their job to try and figure out why and find another way to approach it, rather than just get angry. That gets everyone nowhere!

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  6. I have a terrible time hearing when I'm outdoors in the wind or while I'm riding! I would be really frustrated about being yelled at, too.

    Could the trainer be persuaded to get a headset? A dressage instructor I've lessoned with before uses one and I found it really helpful.

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    1. Same! The old unsafe helmets had less wind noise through the harnesses I think than our new safer ones.
      I'm not sure if she'd do that? Probably she'd just be screaming in my ear and I'd leave! Haha!

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  7. The older I get, the less tolerant I am of stuff like that. You are a paying client. As such, you should be treated respectfully, especially by someone who considers themselves a professional. If your pulling up is impacting others in the lesson w(I doubt), she should discuss it with you privately. Otherwise, you're paying for her time, so if you want to pull up after every single jump, that's your choice.

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    1. I'm the same! I put up with so much less than when I was younger. I'm definitely going to be that crotchety old lady when I'm elderly! HAHA!
      I may have been holding up the others, but one girl came out 20 minutes late, and the trainer didn't start until she got there! So my 30 seconds of walking isn't that big of a hold up.

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  8. Yeah, I don't do yelling or being insulted. Honestly, 99% of the time, I'm my own worst critic so I don't need someone else rubbing salt in the wound. Stern words? Sure. If I'm doing something dangerous, then yell. But other than that, treat me like the adult I am.

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    1. Same! I HATE making mistakes, and being scolded for them does NOT help me at all. It's kind of defeating. My Pammon trainer is a lot more understanding, and rather encourages errors so we can talk them out and fix them. Like grown ups.

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  9. I only need yelling when I'm in the jumper ring at a show. For whatever reason, I need my trainer to be fired up and hungry with me to attack the big jumps haha. But in lessons and any other time? No way. I'm lucky that my trainer is NOT a yeller and is very dedicated to trying different ways of communicating to figure out what works, because it just isn't productive. Good for you for speaking up, I think being able to speak up politely but firmly is such an important skill!!

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    1. Your trainer really sounds like she works hard to understand her students and their individual learning needs. My other trainer is definitely more that way.
      And I agree! It gets easier for me as I get older, that's for sure.

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  10. You are absolutely right what she was yelling wasn't fair - language matters as much as tone. My old trainer used to yell a lot but it was to be heard, not to be mean, not to "gotcha" you, usually when she was quiet and fuming. That's how I felt riding with InsT - I felt like there was some secret agenda, and that I was being treated like an enfeebled adult client (like all of her other adult clients or her kids)

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    1. YES! I think there are a lot of parallels to inst T here.

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